Sunday, August 23, 2009

Going dildo shopping instead...

Yesterday was supposed to be my ten year high school reunion... I did not go. I had wanted very much to go, and had been looking forward to it, but then I took a look at my stats, and compared them to where I was ten years ago, and this was my shocking discovery:

Directly after high school:
Last level of education completed with certificate or diploma:
-High school diploma.
Occupation:
-Babysitter.
Relationship status:
Zilch.

Currant situation:
Last level of education completed with certificate or diploma:
-High school diploma.
Occupation:
-Babysitter.
Relationship status:
Zilch.
*Bonus points for missing teeth!*

Ya, scary, so I did not go.

So instead of going , for shits and giggles I thought it would be fun to check out all the lovely singles on craiglist and see what the game is like now that I'm old and have cobwebs in my c.... nevermind, I'll leave that out. ;) But anyways, I found a few potential soulmates on there, and I'm hoping for some feedback on who I should contact first!


1.
well i am 24, 6 foot, 220lbs i just got out of the navy and movin back home just tryin 2 c whats out there. i am interested in some one that is not uptight and lookin 2 do some fun shit. i like to go out and have fun always trying to stay busy. i guess if ya wanna no more hit me back.

Oh I wanna "no" more baby, yeeeeah!

2.

Is it possible to suffocate if you don’t get enough passion? Do you notice that the relationship has stopped moving and so has your life? Sometimes you wake up at night gasping for just a wisp of romance. Tall, attractive, very fit, and clean, searching for something similar in a regular, discreet partner. I know this isn’t the best place to meet, but where else can we turn…

He sounds like he's marriage material to me!

3.
Are you secretly sexually submissive? Do you dream about being with an older married man, doing as your told, being punished...being bad, being good? I'm a dominant white male, 47, in excellent shape, handsome, experienced, and very discreet. I'm looking for an ongoing relationship with a younger, cute, slender, shy, discreet and submissive girl. Someone very down to earth: takes care of herself, social, loves to talk. Someone who has a job or goes to school; someone steady, ...and eager to please. Please be single, D/D free and able to host, and live in the Bay Area. Respond with pic.

Mama likes! But am I D/D free?

4.

"Though to all appearances [I] might seem reserved, and even shy, on the inside [I] am anything but reserved, having a capacity for caring not always found in others." I believe "truth, like surgery may hurt, but it heals," and subscribe to many of the time-tested traditional values such as compassion, honesty, and hardwork. Values to me are the most important characteristics in an individual. I am humorous and always fun. As player/coach/manager, I led my intramural softball team to winning the championship in coed and quarterfinals in men's. Until the recent slow down, I've been working out continuously for nearly a decade. After a short stint in college, I took Salsa lessons up in San Francisco for about a year. I tried harder and found the joy that escaped me when commitment was lacking. I love everything from the mountains to the beach. I savor walking in old-world streets appreciating the arts and learning to cook. Backpacking quickly made it on my list since I started last summer. I am a young grasshopper and have much to learn. There is a lot I would love to see. Traveling broadens our worldview and the only thing better than living life is sharing life!

I like the truth surgery thing, he's very poetic! He is actually kind of sweet so I wont make fun of this poor grasshopper anymore...

5.
I'm a busy professional male looking for a mutually beneficial relationship with one lucky lady. If you are a female who's falling behind in her bills and need some help, send me an email. I'm very clean, fit, and handsome who hasn't found the right girl to devote my time to but still looking for that sexual companionship. You must be a Normal girl. I can host or travel.

I may actually call him I my rent is late again next month...


6.
A woman pleading for woman to give Asian men a try:
I am attracted to the godless Asian culture. I love the arts and the philosophies; the food, the music, and the little nuances. And although I tend to endow my Asian lovers with these qualities, you just cannot ignore their instrument of pleasure when it comes time to let them do the deed.

It is true that Asian men do have shorter dicks than white, or latinos (the only ones I can compare to), but the truth is that the two whom I've had sex with (they were boyfriends, not just sex) had way thicker dicks. Since having a longer dick is only painful when its hitting your uterus, I gotta say that thick is waaaaay better. Of course good sex depends on much more than size, or girth, but when its just about that, girth is a lot better. It just seems to cover a lot more areas, without pain. They can thrust hard - really hard - and it won't hurt the uterus. And I love the sound of their balls slapping against me, or against my clit, depending on the position. Oh, and they do have very very clean dicks.

We women, whether white, black, tan, red, or Asian, educated or not, rich or poor, godless or not, who live in San Francisco are so lucky to have so many different Asian guys to choose from...

And when we scream "Oh, god...oh, god... oh...gaawwwwdd!!!!" We know who god truly, really is. Don't we??? Why he's on top of us, or behind us, under us, and all around us.

7. My favorite:
I'm looking for someone who appreciates their tummy, and for once that doesn't mean it needs to be rock-hard or perfectly flat! (though flat is also not discouraged) I think the stomach is one of the sexiest parts of the body, and in today's fit-crazed world, it's hard to find someone who really likes their belly. This is an ad for anyone who feels their stomach deserves a little more attention.

I am a single young professional guy who's been living in SF for the last 3 years. I hold a steady job, I've got a few hobbies, I travel a lot, and I tend to keep a pretty busy social life - in other words, I'm a fairly sane person. Friends that are girls often ask why I'm still single. Yes, this ad is real.

While there's a lot of weird stuff going on around CL, I'm really just looking to find others with compatible attractions, so lease reply with a little bit of info about yourself, a few questions, and a picture or two (of both you and your tummy if possible). I'm not looking to be a creeper, I just don't want to waste a whole lot of your and my time with this somewhat unusual request!

First meal's on me!

I actually woke up my kid reading the last line:)


I was then inspired to write my own personals ad, and here goes:

I am a twenty eight year old female. I have cellulite over large parts of my body, but my bony ass will still hurt when I sit on your lap. I have boobs that have been warped by breastfeeding. This is because I have a kid! Dun dun dun... And he's not a young kid, but a tiny toddler who wont move out for many, many years. I have daddy issues. And mommy issues. I don't wash dishes regularly. I pee when I talk on the phone with people. I sometimes chew with my mouth open. I cry during sad tv commercials. I collect animals. I am a pack-rat. I can be a little kooky to say the least. I have people pleasing issues. I re-wear pants and shirts a second time before I wash them again. I am an aquired taste for at least the first 20 times you meet me. I have the foulest mouth and the dirtyest mind ever, and your grandmother will not like me. I like doing work that helps people, which ultimately means you will have to be the one to make us rich if we are going to be. I text message with friends at all hours of the day and night.
Thats pretty much it though! Beyond that, I'm a lovely person.

You are not hairy like a gorilla, but not hairless either. You are not completely crazy, or in the guise of normal and destoned to become crazy at any second. You want kids, and are willing to pretty much submitt to my parenting style. You wont argue with me about not circumsizing our sons, or daughters for that matter. You are pretty certain that vagina is your genatalia of choice. You are not an alcoholic or a drug addict, but not a prude either. You will think I am funny all the time, and laugh at all my stupid jokes. You will not pinch my ass, or pull the covers up over my face after you fart EVER! You will play stupid games with me, even when you are busy. You brush your teeth on a regular basis, and never have "swamp butt." I will never find skid marks in your under wear when I do your laundry. This is because doing laundry is your favorite chore and you insist on doing it, and cleaning cat boxes for the rest of our lives.

The end.
Good huh?

4 comments:

  1. Although I love all of the ads you found on craigslist- yours by far is the best. Can you please really post that shit so I can print it out a a reminder of why I love you so goddamned much???
    That was a pretty tall order but there's got to be a match out there- just like there are for those shoes you find on the side of the road.

    ReplyDelete
  2. My coworkers want to meet you now. I was laughing so loud at work that there was no possible way that I couldn't read parts of your ad out loud. They love you, as do I. But then, you already know that. :-)

    You really MUST post this. I would love to see who responds to it.

    You are wonderful, my friend. Don't forget it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. P.S. I am SO gonna pinch your ass.

    ReplyDelete