Sunday, August 23, 2009

Going dildo shopping instead...

Yesterday was supposed to be my ten year high school reunion... I did not go. I had wanted very much to go, and had been looking forward to it, but then I took a look at my stats, and compared them to where I was ten years ago, and this was my shocking discovery:

Directly after high school:
Last level of education completed with certificate or diploma:
-High school diploma.
Relationship status:

Currant situation:
Last level of education completed with certificate or diploma:
-High school diploma.
Relationship status:
*Bonus points for missing teeth!*

Ya, scary, so I did not go.

So instead of going , for shits and giggles I thought it would be fun to check out all the lovely singles on craiglist and see what the game is like now that I'm old and have cobwebs in my c.... nevermind, I'll leave that out. ;) But anyways, I found a few potential soulmates on there, and I'm hoping for some feedback on who I should contact first!

well i am 24, 6 foot, 220lbs i just got out of the navy and movin back home just tryin 2 c whats out there. i am interested in some one that is not uptight and lookin 2 do some fun shit. i like to go out and have fun always trying to stay busy. i guess if ya wanna no more hit me back.

Oh I wanna "no" more baby, yeeeeah!


Is it possible to suffocate if you don’t get enough passion? Do you notice that the relationship has stopped moving and so has your life? Sometimes you wake up at night gasping for just a wisp of romance. Tall, attractive, very fit, and clean, searching for something similar in a regular, discreet partner. I know this isn’t the best place to meet, but where else can we turn…

He sounds like he's marriage material to me!

Are you secretly sexually submissive? Do you dream about being with an older married man, doing as your told, being punished...being bad, being good? I'm a dominant white male, 47, in excellent shape, handsome, experienced, and very discreet. I'm looking for an ongoing relationship with a younger, cute, slender, shy, discreet and submissive girl. Someone very down to earth: takes care of herself, social, loves to talk. Someone who has a job or goes to school; someone steady, ...and eager to please. Please be single, D/D free and able to host, and live in the Bay Area. Respond with pic.

Mama likes! But am I D/D free?


"Though to all appearances [I] might seem reserved, and even shy, on the inside [I] am anything but reserved, having a capacity for caring not always found in others." I believe "truth, like surgery may hurt, but it heals," and subscribe to many of the time-tested traditional values such as compassion, honesty, and hardwork. Values to me are the most important characteristics in an individual. I am humorous and always fun. As player/coach/manager, I led my intramural softball team to winning the championship in coed and quarterfinals in men's. Until the recent slow down, I've been working out continuously for nearly a decade. After a short stint in college, I took Salsa lessons up in San Francisco for about a year. I tried harder and found the joy that escaped me when commitment was lacking. I love everything from the mountains to the beach. I savor walking in old-world streets appreciating the arts and learning to cook. Backpacking quickly made it on my list since I started last summer. I am a young grasshopper and have much to learn. There is a lot I would love to see. Traveling broadens our worldview and the only thing better than living life is sharing life!

I like the truth surgery thing, he's very poetic! He is actually kind of sweet so I wont make fun of this poor grasshopper anymore...

I'm a busy professional male looking for a mutually beneficial relationship with one lucky lady. If you are a female who's falling behind in her bills and need some help, send me an email. I'm very clean, fit, and handsome who hasn't found the right girl to devote my time to but still looking for that sexual companionship. You must be a Normal girl. I can host or travel.

I may actually call him I my rent is late again next month...

A woman pleading for woman to give Asian men a try:
I am attracted to the godless Asian culture. I love the arts and the philosophies; the food, the music, and the little nuances. And although I tend to endow my Asian lovers with these qualities, you just cannot ignore their instrument of pleasure when it comes time to let them do the deed.

It is true that Asian men do have shorter dicks than white, or latinos (the only ones I can compare to), but the truth is that the two whom I've had sex with (they were boyfriends, not just sex) had way thicker dicks. Since having a longer dick is only painful when its hitting your uterus, I gotta say that thick is waaaaay better. Of course good sex depends on much more than size, or girth, but when its just about that, girth is a lot better. It just seems to cover a lot more areas, without pain. They can thrust hard - really hard - and it won't hurt the uterus. And I love the sound of their balls slapping against me, or against my clit, depending on the position. Oh, and they do have very very clean dicks.

We women, whether white, black, tan, red, or Asian, educated or not, rich or poor, godless or not, who live in San Francisco are so lucky to have so many different Asian guys to choose from...

And when we scream "Oh, god...oh, god... oh...gaawwwwdd!!!!" We know who god truly, really is. Don't we??? Why he's on top of us, or behind us, under us, and all around us.

7. My favorite:
I'm looking for someone who appreciates their tummy, and for once that doesn't mean it needs to be rock-hard or perfectly flat! (though flat is also not discouraged) I think the stomach is one of the sexiest parts of the body, and in today's fit-crazed world, it's hard to find someone who really likes their belly. This is an ad for anyone who feels their stomach deserves a little more attention.

I am a single young professional guy who's been living in SF for the last 3 years. I hold a steady job, I've got a few hobbies, I travel a lot, and I tend to keep a pretty busy social life - in other words, I'm a fairly sane person. Friends that are girls often ask why I'm still single. Yes, this ad is real.

While there's a lot of weird stuff going on around CL, I'm really just looking to find others with compatible attractions, so lease reply with a little bit of info about yourself, a few questions, and a picture or two (of both you and your tummy if possible). I'm not looking to be a creeper, I just don't want to waste a whole lot of your and my time with this somewhat unusual request!

First meal's on me!

I actually woke up my kid reading the last line:)

I was then inspired to write my own personals ad, and here goes:

I am a twenty eight year old female. I have cellulite over large parts of my body, but my bony ass will still hurt when I sit on your lap. I have boobs that have been warped by breastfeeding. This is because I have a kid! Dun dun dun... And he's not a young kid, but a tiny toddler who wont move out for many, many years. I have daddy issues. And mommy issues. I don't wash dishes regularly. I pee when I talk on the phone with people. I sometimes chew with my mouth open. I cry during sad tv commercials. I collect animals. I am a pack-rat. I can be a little kooky to say the least. I have people pleasing issues. I re-wear pants and shirts a second time before I wash them again. I am an aquired taste for at least the first 20 times you meet me. I have the foulest mouth and the dirtyest mind ever, and your grandmother will not like me. I like doing work that helps people, which ultimately means you will have to be the one to make us rich if we are going to be. I text message with friends at all hours of the day and night.
Thats pretty much it though! Beyond that, I'm a lovely person.

You are not hairy like a gorilla, but not hairless either. You are not completely crazy, or in the guise of normal and destoned to become crazy at any second. You want kids, and are willing to pretty much submitt to my parenting style. You wont argue with me about not circumsizing our sons, or daughters for that matter. You are pretty certain that vagina is your genatalia of choice. You are not an alcoholic or a drug addict, but not a prude either. You will think I am funny all the time, and laugh at all my stupid jokes. You will not pinch my ass, or pull the covers up over my face after you fart EVER! You will play stupid games with me, even when you are busy. You brush your teeth on a regular basis, and never have "swamp butt." I will never find skid marks in your under wear when I do your laundry. This is because doing laundry is your favorite chore and you insist on doing it, and cleaning cat boxes for the rest of our lives.

The end.
Good huh?

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Return of wedgie balls!

I'm concerned this is going to turn into a mom blog, but I guess that's bound to happen since I am with my kid 24/7. Yesterday we had a marvelous time thanks to some fantastic planning on my part. I thought that in the evening after a full day of babysitting I would take him to the worlds coolest toy store to buy a present for one of his friends for his birthday party which is today. Way to procrastinate! The most horrible thing to do to a tired toddler is leave them in a stroller with all the coolest toys surrounding him, just out of reach. I was taking a ridiculously long time deciding what to get him, and trying to hand my kid toys that he couldn't break to occupy him, but naturally, he was losing it. I eventually gave in, and let him out as long as he stayed with me-ya right. I was trying to get him to the book area which meant getting my transportation-obsessed kid away from the toy cars, which led to me trying to picking up a screaming child who has turned into a writhing spaghetti noodle on the floor. As this happens the adorable little mini family with a sweet perky mommy and daddy and their three or so month old daughter walk by smiling and pleased with their sweet little baby who will never ever act like that horrible brat over there who's terrible mom must give him everything he wants! I cant help but say to them, "I remember when he was so small and quiet." They try to smile, but give my kid a sideways glance like "ya right bitch." Other people around me are glaring at me like "why are you buying him toys! Take him away so he will learn!" I want to scream out "We are buying toys for someone else, and I would take him out if this wasn't the last possible fucking second!" Arg. So Megan, the unempathetic salegirl with the montone voice says, "here, give him a sticker." Meaning "can you shut your kid up, my Xanex is wearing off and its two hours until I and get my next drink and Im trying to keep from shooting up the place!" My kid takes the sticker from her, rips it up, throws it on the floor while screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I stick my purchases on the counter tnd throw the money at her. She accidentally forgets to offer me their free girf-wrapping serive, imagine that.
He is happy as we walk back to the bus stop, but then we get onto the overly crowed bus. Me, my, kid, the stoller, and the bag get on, and six seats open up, which was awesome. We sit down, and he starts squirming and fussing which turns into yelling. I assume this is because many people are trying to talk to him and looking at him, and he is over it. It is a long ten minute ride where I can do nothing at all.
I get him home and he is still yelling at me. I go to change his diaper and discover that his poor little tender baby balls are outside his diaper and the area is red and chafed! This is the second time this has managed to happened to the poor kid, and now I feel like complete shit.
Way to go "mom."

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Blah, blah, blah.

I had a feeling from the moment I woke up to my son peeing through his diaper onto my pajamas that today was not going to be "my day." This was confirmed by the previously mentioned child being in the worst mood I have ever seen his in in his life. He usually signs or tells me if he wants more breakfast, and with a relative cheeriness about him. Today, with a spiteful "where's my dinner bitch" look on his face, he SCREAMS to me "MOOOORE MORE MAMA!" But as I go to shovel more oatmeal onto his tray, he slaps the bowl out of my hand and it splatters all over the floor as he shrieks "IM DOOOOONE!" Oatmeal on hardwood floors is not as fun as on carpet, but still fun. He doesn't want to take a bath to hose off the oatmeal, yogurt, and berry juice that is in his hair, nose, ears, left eye, and belly, and then he throws a grand mal tantrum when I get him out. It is at this time that the landlord calls. I love it when people call when my child is carrying on like I'm killing him. He is coming in a few hours to measure sink to put in a new one. This is both good and bad news. It is good because a while ago the sink fell into the cupboard below it because it was being held up by four millimeters of dry-rot for the last 2000 years since the building was built, and he promised me a new sink as soon as he returned from his month long vacation, seven weeks ago. For the time being it was held in place by a board, and the deep side was unusable. I need the deep side to store my dirty dish collection in. Washing dishes as you make them makes sense, but it just isn't my style.
Its bad news because I now have a million things to do in a couple hours, and a grouchy kid who doesn't want me to do anything but wait for him to need me. Sadly, none of the chores I have already done that morning are relevant to the cause.
I despise the monotony of doing chores. So to make things interesting, I write every single little thing I have to do on tiny scraps of paper, ball them up and pull them randomly out of a bag. I have to do the chore I draw no matter how much I hate it. Yes, I'm a whack job, I know, but it helps me, so screw you. So already, I had pulled and completed "clean giant booger that is your fish tank," "you are an evil plant killer," "(Meaning, water the plants. I put bullshit ones in there too, so I can feel like I'm accomplishing a lot.) and "if CPS walked in and saw THAT highchair looking like that..." I like to verbally abuse myself when I clean. But none of these are at all going to help me prepare for the landlord.
First up, I have to de-catify the house. I don't think he could possibly not know that there are four cats living here, but he pretends not to notice, and I don't flaunt them. I'm not supposed to have cats in my building, but they keep coming, and I think given the state of my marriage it is a great time to obtain as many cats as I can possibly get. (And if anybody noticed that I said three before, and four this time, I am fostering a friend's kitty until she finds a new place.) Then I have to do all the dishes , and clean out everything that has accumulated in the big side of the sink that I wasn't supposed to put anything in. Then make it look like I keep things immaculate at all times. Then make the apartment smell like anything other then baby/lizard/cat poo because all the creatures chose TODAY to shit 64 times.
But somehow thanks to my buddy Elmo and some apple slices I was able to pull this off, and have my awesome friend and her adorable toddlers over both for my sanity, and so that the overwhelming amount of ankle biters would assure a quick landlord visit.
And the day got better as it went. I'm getting a granite counter I guess instead of another slapped together-with-lead-paint particle board piece of shit, (a fact that makes me do a tiny, optimistic little George Jefferson strut about when I think about it.) And my son ended our day with a voluntary out-of-the-blue bear hug and a "my Mama!"
I guess I will wait until tomorrow to trade him for a carton of cigarettes or some nice string.:)

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Fish people, move along.

This is not about fish. I would probably love fish if I didn't kill them all within seconds of putting them in my fish tank. This is an actual picture of my aquarium: As you can see, no fish. I've decided to just grow algae in it since that is the only thing that thrives. This will probably be the last you hear about fish on here unless I rub another one out or attempt to describe some abomination I tried to make for dinner.
I am not going to write about the band Phish either, so if you have gotten your feathers ruffled because I spelled it wrong, simmer down. I met a Phish follower named "Koochie," (seriously that's what he said) when I was in high school and he was a creepy dude (kind of a long, weird story,) so I've been too scared to attempt to listen to their music.
Fish is my son's nickname, in case I've gone too far. Are you bored yet?
I'm kind of a stay at home mom, but I babysit. My son is the most adorable, sweet, special creature on the planet, I'm completely in love with him. I've been married for three and a half years, but practically married for almost ten, (to a guy that pretty much just left us for a gorgeous male to female transsexual and to try as hard as he can to get the full alcoholic experience.) I'm a scorpio. I have four bearded dragons, and three cats, (who all have serious psychological problems.) I enjoy knitting hats. I have many lovely friends who are great moms and fun people, ( and are all in their own ways crazy and dysfunctional too and I love them!)
I got drunk one time and asked my best friend to cut my hair like Jeff Foxworthy.
I think that's enough ice breaking. Should anyone ever decide to follow this, I will wonder about you. This is all crap.